Cancer Too Hard to Fight?

By: Selina B

Oh my God. It’s been such a long time since my last entry. I just realized now looking at the last date, but at the same time, so many things have happened and my whole life has turned upside down. I actually don’t really know where to start because my thoughts are going crazy. I’m feeling empty, helpless, angry and sad all at the same time; and you know why? My mum left me alone. My misery started a few months ago when my mum, all of a sudden, suffered from grave back pain and wanted to go back to Austria for a general check-up. It’s quite normal for us, living in Moscow, to see doctors in Austria because we have a more reliable health care system; but I wasn’t at all prepared for what the doctors diagnosed my mum with. I don’t even know how to write it down, but I want to because I feel like it will make me feel better. My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was told that she only has a few months left to live. Can you imagine that I didn’t believe it, that I didn’t want to believe it, that I refused to think about this? I continued going to school like a zombie, I couldn’t sleep during the night and I was crying on the phone when talking to my mum. Almost everyday when my dad came back from work we were discussing our, and mum’s future, telling ourselves over and over again that all will end positively. Within a month, while my mum was undertaking chemotherapy, my dad decided to quit his job and to move back to Austria for good. On one hand it was my greatest wish to be together with my mum and help her, but on the other hand, I wanted to remain in the place I had grown up, where I have all my friends and where I am in my final school year. Terrible, I’ve never lived in Austria. I couldn’t ever imagine living there, making new friends and start all over again. Then, actually, even before our planned departing date, we received a phone call from the hospital that we had to come immediately because my mum was going to die. That day I can hardly remember. Somehow I managed to pack my bag, somehow I managed to calm down my little sister, I really tried to be brave and be the adult son of my father. We just arrived in time to say goodbye and then she left me alone…

I know we are a good family, and I know each of us has to be strong and I know my dad is trying to do everything to make life as pleasant as possible for the three of us, but my life has changed completely. Dear diary, you can imagine that in my deepest grief, feeling lost and lonely in a country, which I hardly know, in a new school, with new teachers, new friends and in an empty house without my mum’s presence, I also failed my IB.

Today 6 months have passed since my mum died, I am repeating the school year, I am looking after my little sister and I desperately try to give my life a new sense. My dad is trying hard to find a good job. So far he managed to find only temporary ones because he is working in hotels as a chef but he never learnt the German language. It was my mum and us talking to him in French. Our fault! Oh mum, I miss you so much. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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